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Separation and reconciliation

relationships

The reasons (infidelities, cheating, arguments, lies…) behind a separation are often traumatic or painful for one or both parties in the relationship, and resentment stops the couple from getting back together even when in many cases they are still in love.

When a relationship starts to go wrong for whatever reason, both parties are responsible for trying to get it back on track, although this is not usually the case. One person feels like the victim and that the other person is to blame for everything. With this situation going on in the background, it is difficult for the two to agree on a solution.

The "victim"

This “victim” seeks out allies in their environment so that together they can place the responsibility and the blame for the emotional nightmare they are experiencing on the other person. When one of them decides that he or she is the victim in the breakup, it means that they are not planning to do anything to resolve matters, as they are absolutely certain that they are not guilty and that the other person is the one who has to change.

Soul-searching

This attitude is simply a way of evading a problem that depends on the two individuals that make up the couple. Even in cases where it is very clear that your partner has committed a serious error, as in the case of infidelity, for example, you should do some soul-searching to see whether your own actions may have led to your partner to cheat on you (this doesn't mean they are off the hook, but rather it may help you understand the situation better), or whether your partner is a serial adulterer and would have cheated on you no matter what. We rarely ask ourselves this question and we resort to feeling like victims rather than face the fact that there is a problem.

We are not suggesting for one minute that the breakup is your fault, but you may come to realize that you need to change certain things in future relationships, or if you and your partner get back together.

Separation

Once you have separated, you will probably mourn the “loss” of a loved one. Each individual experiences this in a different way: some are able to move on emotionally straightaway, even starting to date other people shortly afterwards, but others keep up this period of “mourning” for months, or even years, without being able to get over it and turn over a new page.

Getting over a separation

During the phase of getting over a separation, you may experience many conflicting and contradictory feelings and it is difficult to stay coherent. At times we want to go back to our partner, and on other occasions we get mad with them for treating us badly or for the things that they have done.

Reconciliation

When you finally come to terms with things and get over that feeling of indecisiveness – should we get back together or shouldn’t we? – you may decide you want to try again as after all you loved each other once and may still love each other, and the truth is that life is much more meaningful with your partner.

Often during the worst moments, people are not capable of seeing the good things about their relationship and let themselves slide into negativity. Everything sucks and they can’t see any further than that.

Often, when you realize what you have actually lost and look at things from another perspective, you come to see that it wasn’t so bad after all, and everything that seemed so intolerable at the time and the things your partner was demanding you change could be worked out without paying such a high price. But never feel railroaded into something you are not comfortable with. You both need to feel the same, and be prepared to work hard to make positive changes, perhaps with the help of a counselor.

It may not be too late to get back together if you both really want to!

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